Vaginal dilators for vaginismus – tips to motivate you!
10 Tips to Motivate You to Use Your Vaginal Dilators
By Cara Mason - Vaginismus-Free
Let’s face it: using dilators can often be clinical and frustrating, and you might not feel like skipping into the bedroom excitedly at the thought of using them!
Perhaps even just looking at the largest one is enough to make your eyes water. Or maybe they've been consigned to the back of your wardrobe to gather dust...
You might find your plans to use your dilator suddenly sabotaged by any other urgent tasks you need to do, such as rearranging the apps on your phone or alphabetising your spice rack…
But let’s flip the script on this. Using dilators can be an empowering step towards taking control of your body, and with the right approach it doesn’t have to feel like a chore to be avoided.
Here are 10 actionable tips to make dilator use not only more tolerable but actually something you can feel good and proud about…
1. Get comfortable with imperfection
Nobody’s perfect and the pathway to overcoming vaginismus is rarely linear. Some days it’ll be easy, and other days it’ll be more challenging. What I’ve learnt from working with hundreds of women over the years is they often compare themselves to some imaginary perfect woman who’s breezing confidently through her dilator set. Here’s the thing, she doesn’t exist! It’s an unrealistic and soul-destroying comparison. What’s much more empowering is to compare yourself to the only reliable source – you, and your past progress
2. Challenge vagina half-empty thinking
So many women I work with have ‘vagina-half-empty’ thinking, which is the vaginismus-version of glass-half-empty thinking. They completely overlook some positive experiences that should be a nice milestone on their journey to comfortable penetration. Got the dilator in by a centimetre? Celebrate it. Had it in for 5 minutes? Flipping brilliant! Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back for every bit of progress you make.
3. Try a twist and a wiggle
There are a couple of useful little techniques you can use to help ease the vaginal dilator in further. The first is to give it a little twist as you are pushing it in. Another technique is to 'wiggle' the dilator inside using small, circular motions. This also helps if you are a little unsure of the exact direction in which to aim the dilator – you’re more likely to find the correct route in by doing this.
4. Give YOURSELF credit for the wins (not luck or chance)
This one is really important: Your achievements are never luck or a fluke – YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN! It was YOUR efforts and YOUR actions. By giving yourself credit for every win allows you to feel more powerful and build upon your successes. If you’re relying on ‘luck’ and ‘flukes’ you might be waiting a long time.
Praise yourself for not only the physical success you’ve had, but also the effort you put into making this success happen. Every step forward is progress, and acknowledging your wins helps build essential skills and confidence.
5. Tolerate uncertainty…and do it anyway
It’s incredibly common for women to cast doubt on a positive penetration experience because they don’t expect to be successful. When my clients excitedly tell me about how they’ve progressed to a larger dilator or been able to have sex for the first time, it’s nearly always accompanied by the words, “I don’t believe it!”
I appreciate that it can be a leap of faith to believe that the effort you’re putting in will pay off, but belief and confidence often develop AFTER an experience.
6. Consistency is key
The reassuring truth is that you don’t have to feel incredibly motivated before each penetration exercise, although all motivation helps, of course. What is more important is for you to have discipline and consistency. I recommend that you set yourself penetration goals for the week ahead, and make sure that you stick to them. Make it a regular, predictable part of your daily routine, much like cleaning your teeth.
7. Shift your focus for success
Until now, your main focus during dilation has probably been on how deeply (if at all) you could insert the dilator. This is understandable if you have considered vaginismus to be a mainly or purely physical response. However, developing confidence and good emotional control around penetration is key to fully overcoming vaginismus. Instead, try focusing on calming your emotional state during penetration exercises as this is actually more important than insertion depth: when you are feeling calm and in control, physical progress will always follow.
8. Get your inner voice to work for you
When using the dilator, are you telling yourself things that empower and encourage you, or are you being critical or defeatist? I’m not suggesting that you need to go into positive cheerleader mode if that’s not how you are truly feeling. However, if you are telling yourself, “this is going to hurt” or “It won’t go in”, it does make sense as to why your vaginal muscles are tightening. It’s easier to get your inner voice to work for you when you are visualising what you DO want to achieve rather than trying to ignore or reduce what you DON’T want.
9. Keep your end goal in mind
This isn’t about achieving perfection today. It’s about progress. Remember why you’re doing this: to reclaim comfort, control, and confidence in your own body. And each step, no matter how small, gets you closer to that goal. Keep your eyes on the prize (and give yourself credit for every step you take).
10. The great thing about challenging vaginismus – yes, there is one!
When we face challenges and fears in life, we are often unable to control all the external variables. For example, a person with a fear of flying is unable to control how much turbulence their plane encounters. When I set about overcoming my fear of public speaking, I had to do it in a dreary, windowless room in a leisure centre at 9 pm on Monday nights, in front of 20 strangers!
The great thing about using vaginal dilators for vaginismus, is that your vagina remains fairly constant. The only variable you need to consider is how relaxed or tense it is. And how great to be able to challenge vaginismus from the comfort of your own bedroom, surrounded by scented candles and soothing music!
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So, to sum it up, using dilators may not be the most glamorous part of your self-care routine, but it can be one of the most empowering and rewarding.
If you want to learn how to hone your skills and confidence to enjoy successful penetration in just 8-12 weeks, click the button below...
