Vaginal Dilators for Vaginismus: How to Use Them Successfully

How to use vaginal dilators successfully

Many women struggle with how to use vaginal dilators successfully, and while it’s relatively easy to find information online about the physical aspects of insertion (such as angle and depth), guidance on how to approach the process mentally is just as important, arguably crucial, and far harder to come by.

If you are like many women with vaginismus, you may feel less than enthusiastic about using dilators. They can seem clinical and are often associated with discomfort and trepidation.

Your approach may be less “Ooh, I can’t wait to see what I’m able to insert today!” and more “Before I dilate, I just need to clean the kitchen/check my phone/watch this programme.” You might even feel frustrated or resentful that you have to use them at all - which is completely understandable.

Taken from the Vaginismus-Free Programme, the following guide contains essential knowledge to help make your use of dilators (or other objects of penetration) feel more manageable and successful.

What are vaginal dilators?

Vaginal dilators are smooth, tube-shaped devices designed to help the body gradually become comfortable with vaginal insertion. They usually come in a set of increasing sizes, starting small and progressing gently as your confidence with insertion grows.

Regardless of whether or not you have a partner, all women with vaginismus can benefit from using dilators. They provide a helpful substitute 'tool' and will save you the logistical challenge of having to find 4 or 5 boyfriends with varying sized penises.

Note - dilators can also be called 'Vaginal trainers' (eg, on the NHS website). They are different names for the same thing.

Tips for using vaginal dilators successfully

Try to make friends with your dilator

Many women have negative feelings towards their dilators, frequently describing them as ‘cold and clinical’. I’m not suggesting you take it out for dinner and drinks, but it can help to view it as a very useful tool - one that allows you to objectively notice how relaxed your mind and body are becoming.

Some of the most meaningful progress women make in overcoming vaginismus involves experiences that initially felt outside their comfort zone and required a little courage.

Small, steady steps forward are always recommended, but if something feels too easy, it may not be stretching you enough to create change. If you’re taking little steps, just make sure they are little and often. A little bit of something is far better than a whole lot of nothing.

Choose the right time and setting

Choose a time and place where you feel physically comfortable and unlikely to be disturbed. The best time is when you are already fairly relaxed - take advantage of that emotional state.

Take some slow, deep breaths and allow your body to soften as much as you can. Remember, physical relaxation is heavily influenced by the tone of your thoughts, so aim for calm and reassuring ones wherever possible.

Take your time and don’t rush. However, if the seasons appear to be changing outside your window during one attempt, you might be being a little too cautious.

Don't forget to breathe

Quick, shallow breathing can signal anxiety to the body, which may lead to muscular tension. Instead, try breathing from your belly and rest a hand there so you can feel it gently rising and falling. This style of breathing encourages muscle relaxation and gives your mind something steady to focus on during insertion.

Lubricant

Use it. Use lots. Make your dilator and vaginal entrance as slippy as Sally the slippery salamander sliding down a soapy sink.

Comfort is the goal.

Use the power of your imagination

A vagina is naturally capable of experiencing penetration. Imagining and anticipating pain can interfere with this process, as the body often responds to those expectations by tightening.

You may have developed a powerful mental picture - perhaps of an impenetrable wall, or an opening that feels impossibly narrow. If you’ve been imagining the equivalent of squeezing Apollo 13 through the eye of a needle, it’s no wonder your body has been tensing.

The encouraging news is that you don’t need thousands of positive thoughts to correct this. A handful of well-processed positive experiences can go a very long way in bringing your imagination back in line with the reality that you have a normal, capable body.

Visualise your vagina gently opening to accommodate the dilator. If you’ve previously experienced any form of comfortable penetration, capture that memory and focus on how your muscles must have relaxed enough to allow it.

Learn to tolerate new sensations

It’s very normal to feel hyper-alert to discomfort during insertion, and even mild sensations can sometimes be interpreted as pain. Remember that vaginal penetration is a unique sensation - there isn’t really anything else quite like it - so allow yourself time to become familiar with it.

If you tend to dislike feeling out of control, new experiences can naturally feel more daunting. This doesn’t mean you should push through significant discomfort, but trying to challenge old assumptions about pain can be very helpful.

Stopping too quickly can sometimes reinforce feelings of helplessness, whereas giving yourself the chance to experience success helps build confidence.

How often should you use vaginal dilators?

Women who use vaginal dilators regularly tend to experience more success than those who practise only occasionally. Frequent practice simply gives you more opportunities to create positive, confidence-building experiences.

You only need around 10–15 minutes of focused effort every day or two. It’s a small proportion of your day, yet an important investment in your progress. Making dilator use a habit can also remove the internal debate about whether or not to do it. Try to view it as like cleaning your teeth - something that you have trained yourself to do every day (mostly 🙂

Give yourself credit for progress

Even inserting the dilator a few millimetres further than last time is progress. You are moving forward.

Acknowledge not just the physical achievement, but the effort and courage that made it possible. Try to challenge any perfectionist thinking that tells you it “doesn’t count.”

Overcoming vaginismus can feel like a distant goal, so it’s easy to overlook how each success brings you closer. Make a point of mentally processing these wins - they really matter.

Challenge “vagina half-empty” thinking

Many women focus on how much further they feel they have to go, rather than recognising how far they’ve already come. You’ve heard of the ‘glass half-empty’ perspective - this is the vagina-half-empty version.

Consider writing your achievements down so you can clearly see your progress over time.

Use a mirror

Once you have inserted the dilator — even partially — try viewing it in a mirror. Seeing that your body can accommodate it provides powerful visual evidence that challenges unhelpful mental images.

Take a moment to really process what you see. Experiences like this help strengthen the belief that you can do it again.

Take ownership over insertion

Learning to feel comfortable inserting the dilator yourself is an important step. If a partner takes over, it can be harder to tune into your body’s responses or build personal confidence.

Allowing yourself to lead the process helps you recognise your capability and gives you full credit for every success.

Practising with a dilator rather than a partner

Regardless of whether you have a partner, dilators can be incredibly helpful. They allow you to progress at your own pace and focus entirely on your comfort, without worrying about someone else’s expectations.

Another advantage? Your dilator is not judging you for taking your time or wondering whether your bum looks big.

When avoidance creeps in

It’s completely normal to feel apprehensive, and easy to postpone attempts while waiting for the “perfect” moment. But the conditions don’t need to be flawless.

If you’re holding out for a solar eclipse during the spring equinox before trying your dilator, it may be worth gently asking yourself whether fear is doing the scheduling.

Your dilator can’t help you while it sits in its box in the cupboard.

Having your period can sometimes feel like a convenient reason to pause, but if you feel comfortable continuing, put an old towel under you and carry on.

You may be more naturally lubricated, but using additional lubricant is still advisable.