Do this ONE easy thing for successful penetration!
Discover the ONE easy thing that you can do that may have a huge positive impact upon your penetration successes
Do any of the following sound familiar?
• You're struggling with making progress with your penetration exercises (one step forwards, two steps back)
• Your penetration outcomes ('success' or 'failure') feel random
• You disregard any successes as 'luck' or a 'fluke'
For many women with vaginismus, the focus during penetration— whether using a dilator, finger or penis —is often all about the physical: 'How do I get this in?'
And of course, understanding the practical side is important—things like the right angle for insertion and how to position your body in a way that feels comfortable. These details really do matter and can make a big difference to your progress.
However, another crucial aspect is how you think about and process your penetration experiences
Overcoming vaginismus is a process and it's important to understand that no women has full on vaginismus one day and be completely over it the next. Therefore, it’s so important to take on-board and process the small wins along the way.
If you think about any area of your life where you have good confidence and self-belief, whether that’s in your job, a hobby or a skill such as cooking or driving or playing a sport or musical instrument.
You weren’t instantly confident and successful when you first began. It took time and effort for you to build your skills, build your self belief until it became something that you are good at.
Women with vaginismus generally tend to set high standards for themselves, they tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves and also quite hard on themselves if they feel that they can’t achieve a task.
This same attitude is counterproductive when it comes to penetration experiences because you HAVE to notice and give yourself credit for the small steps along the way.
How do you do this?!
What stops women building upon their progress with a dilator is what can be called ‘processesing errors’, - the way that they are thinking about and processing their experiences is preventing them from progressing.
So many women with vaginismus can have great successes that they SHOULD feel proud of...but they don’t give themselves the credit. They’ll disregard it by saying it was just a luck, or a fluke. And of course, if that’s what they believe their success was due to, how can they ever build upon that?
I’ve worked with women who’ve had amazing success with dilators or even sex with their partner, but it’s almost like pressing the reset button the next day – it’s all been forgotten about.
Process your penetration successes, otherwise you may as well be pressing the reset button after achieving them!
Or perhaps their partner was involved, but HE got the credit for being supportive or patient. And whilst it certainly helps to have a supportive partner, ultimately, it was the women was who was relaxed enough to achieve that success.
Do you have a Vagina-half-empty attitude?!
So many women with vaginismus have what I call a ‘vagina half empty’ perspective. You’ve heard the phrase having a 'glass half empty' perspective when you’re focusing upon the negatives and ignoring the positives.
It’s the same idea but applied to your penetration experiences. You’re not focusing on the, say 50% of the dilator that you WERE able to insert, only the 50% that you weren’t...which gives you nothing to build upon.
When you’re using your dilators you’re also learning a skill set that might take a few weeks, or even months. What will help to keep you motivated is how you process your experiences and making sure that you own your successes, and you’re giving yourself a good pat on the back for them.
So, what’s really important now is to process your successes in a much more powerful, positive way.
When the dilator goes in easier or quicker, it's because there are very specific things that YOU are doing with your mindset and your body. You really want to feel great about that. You want to own those successes by telling yourself ‘well done - you can do this!’.
Perhaps have a mirror handy so that you can see the dilator inside to help you process the fact that YOU have done this and your vagina is perfectly normal.
Perhaps write down this success somewhere private or on your phone as a reminder of what you’ve achieved. Whatever it takes to reinforce the message that YOU DID THIS! By writing down achievements it helps you to focus upon them and remember them.
When you do have a success, It’s incredibly helpful for you to try and get a understanding of what you did to make it happen:
- Were you feeling generally more relaxed and happier that day?
- Did you go into it feeling more positive?
- Did you tell yourself something helpful to calm you down?
- Did you imagine success – our imagination is very powerful and even just imagining success can contribute to making that happen?
- Did you just get on and do it, rather than spending ages procrastinating and building up anticipatory anxiety?
Anything you can do to feel more powerful and in control during penetration exercises is going to help you progress and ideally, eventually overcome vaginismus. Ensuring that you process your successes properly is an essential part of that.
Take the first step to overcoming vaginismus! Click below to find out how
